trustee - how ill never trust anyone ever again

There are days I still wonder if you ever understood how important you were to me.

I'm listening to a podcast about a famous Chinese singer who was very depressed, and how she had called her best friend and left a voice mail explaining that they were feeling terrible and needed someone to talk.

And I thought how I could never call someone when I'm feeling sad. How I could never tell anyone how useless and meaningless I sometimes feel, and how there's days my life and existence don't make any sense.

I couldn't tell anyone but you. I did call you and talked to you and cry in front of you a lot of times telling you about it. I now realize, this was a lot for you to take. I was putting my life in your hands and expecting you to solve my problems. To give me a sense of self. 

I was expecting you to relieve me from that burden. And you really couldn't.

I guess that's why you left. I know now, I can't make some else responsible for myself the way I used to do with you. I'm the only person responsible for me. So I can see how tiresome having someone like me around could be.

I can't blame you for leaving me. I know, that I'm often a little bit too much. I know now that calling you when I was feeling bad and showing all these fears and vulnerabilities was a mistake.

I thought I could trust you, but I wasn't supposed to do that.

And I know now that I will never trust anyone again with my sadness and my sorrow, the way I did with you.

I'll never trust anyone, ever again.