HBD 2 U

 Today is your birthday. And I think about all the gifts I gave you throughout the years and if, while holding her hand you still wear them, and if may be, you still think of me.

I've done so much to try and get away from you but I realize it's impossible.

Since last week I've been thinking what if I hadn't fought? What if I hadn't scream and cry and instead kept there, on the ground, just waiting for the weight of the people to crush my lungs and die?

I wouldn't be dealing with this day and you would had heard about me dying and, what would you had done then darling?

Would you shed a tear? Would you message my mom and said you were sorry? Would you visit my grave and left some flowers? Would you regret any of the things you did?

I feel so ungrateful with everyone who loves me for thinking this way.

It feels wrong how good it feels when I indulge in my death wish, but I just can't help it.

I've been thinking I actually passed away some day long time ago. I fell into the trap of loving you and all your lies and hurtful words fell over me. I stopped breathing so long ago, I'm dead so long ago but I was never buried.

But then, some how even when you crushed me to death, I was able to stand up, covered in bruises that don't seem to heal. And I'm blue, always blue cause I've haven't been breathing.

You didn't shed a tear. You didn't texted my mom and said you are sorry. You never came to see me with flowers. You were never sorry.

And today on your birthday, all I would like you to know is how I wish you had actually killed me.