that i dont understand them (and i dont know if I'll ever do)

I don't understand them. And sincerely dont think I'll ever do.

My sister, my father and a friend of my sister have been working in the living room and the dining room making a set of ballons for the boyfriend of the friend. They've been doing it in the living room, infront of everyone.

I've had the same boyfriend in the past two years and I never NEVER can just imagine drawing a heart in a paper infront of my mom or dad. Actually, isn't like they tell me "Stop doing that". No, they wait until a day I make a mistake to tell me "You're such an ungrateful daugther, I let you make stupid gifts for your so called "boyfriend" and you didn't do the laundry?". It's kind of stupid (at least to me). For them, girls like me don't need a boyfriend, so it's a waste of time.

It hurts me because it confuses me.

Regularly the days I go out with my darling it's because I've lied my parents saying I'm going out with a friend or that I'm studing something. Why? Because girls don't need a boyfriend, they'll make them waste their time.

It means, they don't let me go out with him.

When they found out I had boyfriend, they couldn't do anything more than just suck it up.

The few times I had ask them permission to go out with him (let's say ammm 10 times or less) they say me no because I don't deserve it.

Because my room it's a mess, because I haven't been a good daugther the past days, beacuse there is dust in my bookshelf, or because I have some papers over my piano.

Excuses.

I might not be the perfect daugther but it makes me go crazy that if I say them "I'm going out with (someone that's not my boyfriend)" they don't say anything more than "Come home early".

I hate the fact that i can't go with my mom and tell her "Can I go out with my boyfriend to (a common boyfriend-girlfriend activity)?" without my body shaking, without chills, or without my head down like with shame.

Why do I have to be shame of having a boyfriend?

Why it has to be something bad?

I'm almost 20 years old, for Christ sake.

The few times (like three times) that they have gave me permission the condicions where that he has to come for me and leave me infront of my house. He doesn't have a car. And he doesn't live near by. And everything gets worst when I heard the uncomfortable noises he does in the phone when I told him. It breaks my heart.

I don't know what to think.

Is that he doesn't loves me enough to come for me and bringing me back again?

Is that my parents know it and thats why they impose that conditions?

My mom says I must grow up but she doesn't let me. She wants me to be the little girl that needs her at the same time she wants me to be a grownup woman who works and knows what to do in every moment of her life.

I dont understand what she wants for me.

Anyway, there they are, my two parents, enjoying while they make a set of ballons with a teddy bear inside that says I LOVE YOU everytime it jumps for the boyfriend of my sister's friend.

Meanwhile, here I am waiting for his call so I can tell him they didn't give me permission again.

I don't understand them at all.